I walked into the bar one dreary Tuesday afternoon only to find Bill not at his usual spot behind the stick, but instead sitting at the small, round table in the far corner. That’s the table you use if you have a dark deal that needs doin’, or don’t want to be noticed. Very Siberia, that table.
Anyway…
There he was, sitting ramrod still, staring at the entrance as I came in. Almost like he’d been waiting for me. Waved me over. As I got closer, I noticed a newspaper near his left hand, folded neatly. The day’s crossword, I figured, ready for his imperial pen.
But that’s when I also noticed the sharp, four-inch folding knife near his right hand.
An original Buck, I believe. Worn bone and steel. He smiled then. I could tell he was drunk.
Something was wrong. Very wrong.
“Bill,” I began, but he cut me short with a quick, chopping motion. Pointed at the crossword. Reminded me of the Ghost of Christmas Past pointing at Scrooge’s tombstone. Stared at me cold and hard as he intoned, “Eleven down. Five letters. Pseudonym. Donald Westlake. Pulp Writer.”
I relaxed then. He was just playing around. It was a little early for Halloween, but sure… I could go with it. I was a fun guy.
Bill consulted his crossword. Shook his head. Smiled grimly. Picked up the knife. Opened it. “Put down your hand,” he whispered.
“What?”
“Put.Down.Your.Hand.”
“Bill…”
“You wanna ever drink here again, smart guy?”
I looked around the room. This was home away from home, womb away from womb. I had a discount here on drinks. “You know I do.”
“Then put down your damn hand.”
I did. Put down my right. Flat, fingers splayed. The knife blade caught a bit of light, winking at me like a diseased lover. Bill handed it to me.
“Play,” he said.
I knew what he wanted. The game called Nerve. You take the knife, and as fast as you can, tick off each space between the fingers, always returning to the base, the space just outside the thumb. Think 1-2-1-3-1-4 1-5 1-4 1-3 1-2, etc. As fast as you can. Like in Aliens, when Bishop does it to Hudson.
“You’re wrong” Bill intoned. “It’s not Dexter.” God, proclaiming judgment.
I nodded. Wished Bill had remembered his meds today. Took the knife. Began…
TOCK-TOCK-TOCK-TOCK-TOCK-TOCK-TOCK…
When I’d made an entire run, from thumb to pinky and back, Bill stopped me.
“Five letters. Pseudonym. Don Westlake. Pulp Writer.”
Bill cut me short by picking up the knife. Consulted the crossword. Like an oracle consulting bones. Nodded as he filled in the letters. “Good work, smart guy.”
I relaxed, happy to have won. Wondered what the hell had happened to make Bill the troll under the bridge today.
“Hey,” I said, but too quickly. Sounded just like the scared, little writer I was. “So, um, can I have another drink now?”
He shook his head in response. Again consulted the crossword. Read out, “Eight across. Greatest Stark book cover artist. Seven letters.”
Well…
Bill consulted the crossword. Told me sadly, like telling me I had cancer, “Doesn’t work.”
“The hell you say!” I shouted.
Handed me the paper.
Didn’t fit.
I slowly picked up the knife. Bill smiled. A crazed shark, on meth.
TOCK-TOCK-TOCK-TOCK-TOCK-TOCK-TOCK-TICK–
I cried out in pain as the knife bit deep into my index finger. To the bone. Blood. All over the table. Bill shook his head as he consulted his crossword. “Whoopsie,” he said after a moment, “My bad. Read it wrong. Shoulda been, ‘Seven across, greatest Stark book cover artist, eight letters.”
I’d never wanted to kill before, until now. Panted like a sick dog as I wrapped a napkin around my ruined index finger. Then it came to me.
“Robert E. McGinnis,” I said harshly. “The guy who created most of all the great crime book covers from that period. Probably did over 1200 god-damned covers. Apprenticed at Walt Disney when he was young. Back in 2004, he started creating covers for Hard Case Crime. Did movie posters, too, like for Barberella, and the Matt Helm series. Fantastic work, great man.”
Bill filled in the letters. Nodded his satisfaction. Quietly put the knife away. Folded up the paper. “Come back at Happy Hour, Lefty,” he said as he got up.
Man, did I need to find a new watering hole.
Images via The Violent World of Parker, Vintage Sleaze Paperbacks, Existential Ennui, and Comic Noize
Robert Lewis grew up under the pier at Venice Beach, CA. There, by firelight, he would entertain the stray dogs with weird and wonderful tales. He’s still telling stories, but now he lives in a place with walls, a roof, and cases of red wine. Crime fiction and blues guitar are his things. He blogs over at NeedleCity, and twits sporadically and nonsensically as @robertklewis.
Lewis writes that the cover Harry Bennett did for “Man with the Getaway Face” was perfection. Well. . .this Robert Lewis story is perfection. Can’t wait for more.
Thank you EC. Coming from such an avid reader as yourself, your comment is [b]gold[/b].
🙂
Way cool…great turn of phrase. Visually I am so there…maybe at the other end of the bar? I’ll have another!
🙂 Ha! This round’s on me!
Thanks for coming by, and hope you enjoy the rest of the site, too.
I’m not going to be playing that knife game any time soon! Yikes! Great atmosphere & characters in the story! 🙂
SisterSandy has it right. I’m right there in that bar, heart thumping with each pass of the knife.
Great job, RK.
Jemi and Cat: thanks! Coming from you guys, that’s HUGE! 🙂
Glad you enjoyed it!
Good job puttin’ your right hand down Lefty! Really great character, hope to read more about the life and times of the sarcastic pulp writer with the heart o’ gold 🙂
Ah, you caught that, did ja? 😉
I may’ve been born yesterday, but I’ve been up all night, as they say.
Glad you liked. 🙂
Personally, the shark on meth part was my favorite, but I loved this 3-parter! Great atmosphere and some awesome summer reads to hunt down!
Thank you, Barbara! You can’t go wrong with these authors, that’s for sure. They’re tons of fun.
I’m a new-comer to crime/thriller fiction, but I really smiled reading this trilogy. I like how it’s written like a world-within-a-world. Gives you multiple layers to play with. Good pacing, too. The end of each one had me searching quickly for the next one.
Great work!