Joe Pike, Two Bullies, and a Stolen Car
By Jeffrey B. Burton
June 3, 2022
Ballsier than any Clint Eastwood line from the Dirty Harry franchise is one I read in the Robert Crais novel L.A. Requiem. Joe Pike had been framed for murder and, enroute to jail, pulls off a daring getaway. When questioned why he escaped by his private eye partner Elvis Cole, Pike ultimately responds “I don’t do victim.”
Did you hear that?
“I don’t do victim.”
Perfect.
For weeks after reading L.A. Requiem, I walked about both home and office mumbling that to anyone who deigned crossed my path, no matter what the context.
“Should we have pizza for dinner?” my wife would ask.
I’d glare at her and state, “I don’t do victim.”
A colleague would query, “Have you reviewed the quarterly reports, Jeff?”
“I don’t do victim,” I’d say as I muscled past them on the way to refill my coffee mug.
“Are you driving me to practice tonight?” my daughter would ask.
I’d toss the car keys on the floor with a curt, “I don’t do victim.”
Alas, unlike Joe Pike from the brilliantly thrilling Robert Crais mysteries, I punch like a hamster and my default setting is flight. And as much as it pains me to admit this, but, well . . . it turns out I do do victim, and have done so since kindergarten.
When I was five-and-a-half, the paperboy nearly strangled me to death.
Sure, the older kids, my alleged friends, in the community housing project egged on the youngest of us all—to wit, yours truly—into rolling the newsboy’s bike and satchel of afternoon dailies onto the lawn in front of a sprinkler while he was off delivering an armful of newspapers inside one of the apartment buildings. The older kids who got the ball rolling scattered like pigeons when the paperboy came charging out the side of the facility and caught me in midflight. I can empathize with his predicament—performing a job he likely despised, only to discover a wet bike and soaking bag of newspapers awaiting him—but upping the ante to homicide seemed a tad excessive.
Joe Pike would no doubt have instantly had the enraged paperboy by the gonads. I, however, lay pinned to the ground, the kid’s ever-tightening fingers clutching about my throat; my eyes bulging like a frog that’s been stepped on, my final moments spent peering deep into the abyss of the saliva-dripping maniac atop me.
And then . . . deus ex machina.
A random neighbor lady yanked my would-be assassin off me. She shouted into the brute’s face and sent both him and his dripping bicycle packing. Then she brought me to her apartment, made sure I was breathing okay, put some ointment on the bruises around my neck, and gave me a cup of grape Kool-Aid.
Though I never saw the neighbor lady again, on the rare occasion I find myself with a glass of Kool-Aid in hand, I’ll raise it in silent tribute to that kindly woman who saved my life. Someday I’ll write an epic poem about the neighbor lady, but . . . until then . . . this will have to do.
We moved to the suburbs the summer after I turned seven. There was a batch of kids my age to play with, a lake a block away, as well as parks, bike trails, and acres of woods to hide in.
What could possibly be better?
Then I crossed paths with Randy the Barbarian.
Randy was twelve, and if Randy ever caught you—the neighbor kids warned me—he’d sit on your stomach and give you heart taps (punch at where your rib cage connected). The neighbor kids spoke of hiding cyanide capsules inside their teeth, to be popped in the event they ever got caught by Randy.
I thought my new friends were joshing, blowing things way out of proportion, that is, until the day Randy caught me. I turned around and there he stood, towering above me, as though he’d morphed from out of the street itself. Bawling like a newborn, I was lucky my older sister and her gaggle of friends teamed up to pry Randy off me after a mere handful of heart taps.
Flash forward five years. I’m in seventh grade, walking home from a friend’s house, and I spot Randy, now a senior in high school, heading in my direction. I veered into the middle of the street in order to steer clear of him, but genuinely thought enough time had passed since we were kids, and that we’d both moved on with our lives.
Randy had not moved on.
Instead, Randy also veered into the center of the street, grabbed my shoulder, and punched me in the stomach as hard as he could. In an odd manner, I respect his having skipped any words of preamble—Randy cut straight to the assault.
Now Joe Pike would have thrown a right hook and crushed Randy’s jaw. I, on the other hand, lay on the road, gasping for air. When I made it home, I stumbled into the bathroom and threw up.
Sure, I could have informed my parents, and police could have been notified, and Randy could have been picked up. Sure, I could have hoped that Randy’s birthday had been earlier in the school year, so it’d make him an adult male assaulting a seventh grader, but, like all the neighborhood kids before me . . . I recognized Randy’s feral nature.
Quite frankly, Randy wasn’t right in the head and if I had him arrested for assault, heart taps would be the least of my concerns. It wouldn’t end there . . . and it would not end well.
Randy would go to the mattresses.
I’d never be safe again.
Years later, I’m sixteen and washing dishes at a mall restaurant. There was a girl—Lisa something or other—I’d taken a fancy to. She was a year older and went to a neighboring high school. I was on the cusp of asking her out—we got along great—and knew my friends would be jealous when they found out I was dating an older woman.
So, one night after closing the restaurant, I strolled out to my car, nary a care in the whole, wide world, life was beautiful, and . . . and there’s no car.
No . . . fucking . . . car.
I go back inside, let the few remaining employees know my car’s been stolen. Lisa grabs her jacket and proceeds to drive me around the parking lot of the entire mall—as if I’d somehow forgotten I’d parked eight-hundred yards away. Eventually, Lisa drove me to the police station where I faced the delightful opportunity of phoning my father at one in the morning, waking him up, and informing him he no longer had to fret about how much gas the family station wagon guzzled.
That was a fun night.
By that point in time, Joe Pike would have already hunted down the car thieves and disposed of their bodies. I, however, sat by my lonesome self in the police station waiting for my parents to come and pick me up.
As if that wasn’t bad enough, Lisa never spoke to me again. Evidently, and I’m a little hazy on this part as my freaking car had just been stolen, I went the full De Niro as Lisa drove me around the mall in search of the stolen station wagon, spewing every four-letter word known to man.
Not only did I lose the car that night . . . I lost the girl.
Joe Pike wouldn’t have lost the car. And he sure as shit would not have lost the girl.
Enter the Sweepstakes!
Sign in and comment on this post for a chance to win a copy of each of Jeffrey’s Mace Reid K-9 mysteries, including The Finders, The Keepers, and The Lost!
To enter, make sure you’re a registered member of the site and simply leave a comment below.
The Lost Comment Sweepstakes: NO PURCHASE NECESSARY TO ENTER OR WIN. A purchase does not improve your chances of winning. Sweepstakes open to legal residents of 50 United States, D.C., and Canada (excluding Quebec), who are 18 years or older as of the date of entry. To enter, complete the “Post a Comment” entry at beginning at 4:00 p.m. Eastern Time (ET) June 3, 2022. Sweepstakes ends at 3:59 p.m. ET June 17, 2022. Void outside the United States and Canada and where prohibited by law. Please see full details and official rules here. Sponsor: Macmillan, 120 Broadway, New York, NY 10271.
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I want you to thank for your time of this wonderful read!!! I definitely enjoy every little bit of it and I have you bookmarked to check out new stuff of your blog a must read blog
I think we (we males) would all love to be Joe Pike. It would also be pretty special to have a pal like Elvis close at hand. Robert Crais has created a wonderful pair. Thanks for the reminder.
nice post
A handbag carried during the day is usually larger than the one that you’ll be taking to dinner. No matter what the occasion, it is never appropriate to put one’s handbag on the table-it is considered extremely rude no matter how expensive or beautiful it is. We often place our handbag on the kitchen counter, a bench, and some even momentarily meet the floor so for hygiene reasons alone, it is not acceptable.
You are a new author to me. Can’t wait to read your books.
i love dogs
This sounds like such a great read! You are a new to me author, thanks for the chance to win a book!
This sounds great. I am excited to read it
A captivating and memorable post. Entertaining and amazing.
Sounds lie a great book
Sounds LIKE a great book
This book sounds like a great mystery with fascinating characters. This is a book that is a genre that I enjoy reading!
Thanks, Cindi
I want to read this book
Love the Mace Reid K-9 mysteries! Can’t wait to read The Lost!
Love Joe pike books and your k9 books
Great Prize!
I can’t wait!
Sounds like any enjoyable read
Always anticipating more
A wonderful feature which I enjoyed.
Can’t wait to read this book!
All sound terrific, love to read & review!
This book sounds really good from the excerpt.
Excited for this! Thanks for the chance!
I would love to read this book. Sounds Great
Would love to read your books! Thanks for having the giveaway!
I enjoyed the K9 mystery I read and look forward to the rest of the series.
Animals and mystery,my two favorite genres together at last! Thanks:)
In for the win…
This sounds interesting! Would love to read it.
I have not read these books before, but am going to order one now!
Looks like a compelling series, made all the better with a talented doggo!
Mace-Reid-K 9 Mysteries -love dogs they are the smartest!! love to win
I am a true dogaholic, your books are new to me! Would love to read them. They sound like something I would like!
He has my attention
Sounds right up my alley! Would love to win, but will make sure to pick them up either way.
Interesting read and we all feel that way some time. Looks like a good book
Sounds like fun. My dog wants to know when the canine will appear.
this sounds like a book that came from a great start – every hero needs to start somewhere – I love dogs as well – so I believe that I would thoroughly enjoy this book thanks for the great excerpt
Was the car found later?
A few weeks later, but it was totaled.
Awesome! I would love to read them!
Great story, I am excited to read the new book. Thanks for the opportunity to win books!
sounds good
Sounds like a great read.
I enjoyed your article, and am looking forward to reading your new book!
Looking forward to reading a new canine mystery series!
Always enjoy books with animals!
I’d love to read this series!
I had a bully in kindergarten. He was a fifth grader. He took my lunch money. He took my allowance, buy a pack of gum and give me one piece. When I think about him, I always reassure myself that he’s in prison and I’m not.
Looks like a great read
Setting up what looks to be a fascinating read!
haven’t read this serious but sounds like I would like to read this book.
If your books are as well written as the article, I want to read them..
The bully stories were both terrible and intriguing.
Great article. And I love “I don’t do victim”. Obviously it can be used in so many situations. LOL
Thanks for the chance to win.
Joe Pike may be cool, but it’s way better to be a nice guy throughout your life.
First time reader for this one, sounds great. Thanks for the chance
Looks interesting
I’ve really enjoyed these books so much!! Thanks for the chance to own them!!
I loved the essay and i hope to read the books!
I would love to win these books.
I picked up one of his books at the airport that someone left on a seat and could not put it down…More Please
Looks like interesting books.
As someone else said, dogs and mysteries – the best in my book(s). Sorry for the pun. 🙂
You’re comparing yourself to some pretty stiff competition in Joe Pike! (I love him.) Was Jack Reacher unavailable? Really enjoyed your column. Thanks.
Love the idea of a cadaver dog theme. Will have to check out this series.
A dog always makes a story better. It sounds good.
I have a feeling this will be a fast mover in my Little Free Library #66281. Hopefully, it will generate some sales and discussion among the neighborhood.
Just lovely! Being bullied is no fun. That’s why I learned not to allow it — well, to a point. I mainly wanted to protect my little sister, but I forgot about myself.
You are a new author to me, and your series looks interesting.
You books sound so good with characters that I am sure to enjoy. Thanks for the chance to win.
I loved following your tale of being bullied and wondering “What would Joe Pike have done”. It’s not easy growing up, for sure. I was enthralled and looking forward to reading your book!
I would love to read these books!
I loved the essay and look forward to reading your work!
What a terrific tease I want more, there were many Randy’s in the town where I grew up fortunately for me and my friends I was the opposite of Randy the barbarian and I always had the little guys back, that I can say was because of watching my father around people he would not put up anyone being abused or hassled by a bully and he taught me that most bullies are not tough at all, thanks dad
What a terrific tease I want more, there were many Randy’s in the town where I grew up fortunately for me and my friends I was the opposite of Randy the barbarian and I always had the little guys back, that I can say was because of watching my father around people he would not put up anyone being abused or hassled by a bully and he taught me that most bullies are not tough at all, thanks dad
Well there you go then! You aren’t Joe but now you have something to work for! I worked an HRD dog so I’m interested in how your dog alerts!
This would be a worthwhile and important book club discussion.
This appears to be a good read.
These look so good! I just bought the first 2 books in the series because I want to read them in order.
I love dogs, and I love series, and the chance to win each book in a new-to-me series featuring a dog is very exciting!
I just found myself a new author to read! Joe Pike sounds like an awesome character. Add dogs to the mix, and it’s a must-read for me.
Looking forward to a new to me k9 story.
I really like the Robert Crais novels too. I wish they would make his books into a high-quality TV series ala Michael Connelly’s Bosh and Lincoln Lawyer series.
I could see this as a tv series!!
I loved this post! I want the book!!
Thank you for the chance.
Joe Pike and Elvis Cole are so good together!!
Sounds great! I love Joe Pike, so I’m intrigued
This book sounds exciting to read and would be a nice prize to read.
sounds interesting – thx for the info
Good luck to all.
I enjoyed the post. I find books with Joe (and Elvis) to be very entertaining. I absolutely hate bullies. They deserve some non-lethal Joe Pikeesque action to show them the error of their ways. I’m only partially kidding.
I’m going to have to look into your books now. If they are anywhere near as entertaining as this post, I’ll be happy. Plus I love mysteries with smart animals.
Wow. What a childhood. Mine seems dull compared to what I just read. Glad you survived it all. I would love to read one of your books.
Many times, I’m sad that I grew up as an only child, on a farm….by myself…..just a cat for company. Then I read about experiences like these, and I’m ok. Thanks!
Looks like a read that has well developed characters. It reminds me of the Peter Falk in the TV show Columbo, when he’d turn just before leaving and say, I have one more question.
This is a very real character that I think many can identify with.
Glad you came out of all this ok, and with a sense of humor too. I had my fair share of bullies growing up, most ended up in jail. I enjoy mysteries, and I look forward to reading The Lost.
Couldn’t stop laughing, and you’re right, you’re no Joe Pike! Would love to win these books, thanks for the chance.
This is a new author to me.
I love K9s and mysteries so this sounds like a win win!
This sounds so exciting, l would love to read this book!
I love dogs and mysteries. Put together sounds fantastic! I have honestly never won a sweepstakes,I would love to win this one!!
Great post. I think we would all like to be like Joe Pike when faced with difficult situations.
I enjoyed the post and want to read the book!
Looks interesting!
Great post. “I don’t do victim.” I may have to borrow that.
Love this, looking forward to reading the book!
I hope I win!
I want to try the Mace Reid series.
I think I would have been the victim, also. Not until I became an adult did I take up for myself. Thank you for sharing this story and looking forward to reading this book!
I’ve read both of your Mace Reid books and can’t wait to read The Lost. I, too, would love to emulate Joe Pike, but rarely act that way. In my mind I’m a badass, but in truth I’m more like Chicken Little.
i would love to win the books, they sound really good.
I so want to win these books. I am an avid reader and always looking for a great author and book
Crais is one of our favorite authors. We read everything he writes, so if you are anywhere near as good, worth a read.
I can’t wait to read this book!
Absolutely PRICELESS! Thank you for the sympathetic chuckles. If you books are anything like your essay, I can’t wait to read them!
Thanks for the chance to win! The book sounds great!
Very enjoyable essay (coming from a kid who was always the littlest tomboy in the class and got bullied for it). So I’m guessing the books are enjoyable too. I’ll have to find out.
I enjoy discovering new authors, enjoyed the post!
I’m not sure how I missed this K-9 series, but I’m thrilled to be discovering it now. As for, “I don’t do victim,” victimhood has been a big psychological…er…”hobby” of mine to investigate. I’d love to win, but will check out the series either way!
Love K-9 dogs! I believe I have read some Joe Pike books before. I read so many. Ty for the chance.
Sounds like a great prize for all of us dog-lovers and judging by the response there are a lot of us. Thanks for the chance to win these cool books!!
Sounds great. Fantastic cover!
I like the Joe Pike books. I like many different ‘tough guy’ books. They are fun to read and, for a few moments, think I could be tough like that. I also read many first responder dog handler books. I like to keep my dogs in the pages of a book. Less for me to clean up after the walks I don’t want to take.
I have always preferred Joe Pike to Elvis Cole ever since I read the Monkey’s Raincoat almost 20 years ago. This writer has an excellent grasp of Joe Pike’s code.
You got me at “my default setting is flight.” That’s my mode.
You may not be Joe Pike but you write darn well.
Sounds like some experiences a friend of mine had when he was younger!!
Ok, now I’m interested in finding out how it ends.
I would love to win this sweepstakes! I am an avid reader and always looking for new authors to experience.
Awesome!
Sounds like a fascinating series!
I love Joe Pike and Elvis Cole. Now I must add you to my TBR list.
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Enjoyed Jeffrey Burton ‘s amusing intro to Joe Pike. Would like to read the books; thanks for the giveaway!
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This sounds really great. You are a new author to me. I love books with dogs in them.
Would love to read this!
I love these books! Great mysteries and animal friendly!
Sounds like a great book!
A man and his dog solving mysteries? Sign me up!
This sounds like a great read.
Sounds good – hope I win!
I wanted to be a cadaver dog when I was growing up.
Thanks for the giveaway!
Great idea and I am looking forward to reading this one!
definately enjoy every little bit of it and I have you bookmarked to check out new stuff of your blog a must read blog!
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